This is me  |
 Slowly but surely, I'm slipping back
I know I'm in no position to say this or self-diagnose but I'm pretty sure I'm slipping back into my past self. Sometimes, I wonder, why did I even let myself out. When I stated sec 3, I pulled myself out and decided that things will never go back to those days again, but oh and behold, I see myself failing at it everyday. I told myself, never to let my trust issues get in my way, but guess what, everyday, I'm thrown into situations that keep my constantly wondering if I have any friends at all. I know it's bad to say this here but, I really don't know how to trust people anymore. The people whom I trusted the most always ends up either betraying me, or just casually walking out of my life and treat me like I never existed. Well, I guess it's my fault people like to make use of me. It's my fault for always helping others and end up losing friends. It's my fault that all my so called friends that I brought together hit off well and I'm not their friend anymore. Blame it on my, I know, it's always the same, it's just my fault. I shouldn't even be there in the first place. Maybe it would have been better if I had done everything on my own and just lived life like that. Shouldn't have friends, shouldn't help others and really just mind my own business. That way, I won't always have to deal with the fact that after putting in so much effort for a friendship, it all ends with me being alone. It's always the same few comments. "Reflect about yourself, it must be your problem that this is always happening." "Maybe you didn't put in as much effort?" "It's you! I don't see others having the same problem, must be your problem." I guess they are right. It must be my fault. My fault for being a nice person and helping others, hoping that one day when I need help, they'll be there for me. My fault for trying to let my friends know each other, and always end up on the losing end. My fault for my 'horrible attitude' that make people leave me. AND IT'S MY FAULT THAT MY LUCK ALWAYS BRINGS ME TO PEOPLE WHO ARE 'FRIENDS'. It's better to have quality than quantity. I agree, but when the 'quality' people start failing on you, what do you do? I treat everyone I meet as a true friend. I forced myself to learn to tear down that wall I built in sec 1 but what happens? People come and go. They trample on me, they crush me and they leave me there dying on the streets. What am I suppose to do? Everyone is really stressed out, I understand. Sometimes everyone just needs a bit of quiet time and really isn't in the mood to joke, I understand. But there is no need to treat me as if I'm invisible. There is an obvious treatment when you can tell that you're not wanted. If I had the choice and only if I knew earlier, I would've chosen to swap classes or even transfer out sooner. Now, I'm here to suffer in this place with the people here. There is a reason why I'm always on my phone. There is a reason why I'm always so jittery these days. There is a reason why I'm laughing so halfheartedly. There is a reason why I choose to be in the corner no matter where I am. And there is a reason why you always see my bag and not me. I have chosen to be a loner and I'd rather be alone than to be with people who are there for convenience. That's all for now. If you are reading this and feel offended, feel free to let me know in my face. Or you can choose to be like everyone else and slowly (or quickly) leave my life. I need to get used to it and I'm slowly learning how to build up that wall again. I'm slowly returning to the Dark Ages, and this time, I doubt I'll ever come out again Labels: All hope is gone, Annoyed, Friends |
