It's not it's my choice anyways, not as if I can choose to be emo and depressed and not as if I want to. But I can't help it, the circumstances that I am in just puts me back into the tracks of Sec 1 life. 

My life had always been like that and I just can't help it. It happens over and over again, so much so that I've practically given in already. 

Always 2nd, always the replacement, always invisible.

It's not that I want to rant, but sometimes, it just gets too overwhelming. Every single time I introduce my friends to each other, I always end up being the one that is left out.

I can't help but notice as I grow older, I become more and more self conscience and attention seeking. I guess it's got to do with being the only child. You live your whole life alone and you depend too much on yourself that it gets sick. I want to stop being so tough, it's tiring me out. 

I know it seems like I'm a freaking spoilt child but try living a life when you have to do everything by yourself, all you know is you are alone and you better get your life straight. It's always me, myself and I, can't blame me for being so self-centred. 

It's not that my family is not supportive and stuff, they are nice but the thing is there's always that deep dark secret that your parents should never know about. I guess I have a little bit too many things that should never be told to my parents. So keeping everything in and all this suffering in silence thing is driving me nuts. 

I'm going back to the days where the more depressed and emo I get, the more hyper and happy I act. It's not fine when I say I'm ok. It's just not. This duo personality thing comes so naturally that it's making me think that I'm mad. Holding everything in is the worse thing to do. I help everyone, I tell people not to hold it in and just let it all out but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't trust anyone enough to tell them everything. There's just too much that can be used against me. 

I've been putting up this strong front ever since ages ago and I'm not going to take it down. But deep inside I can feel that this mask is eating into my flesh, bit by bit and slowly it's growing to be part of me, growing and biting into my skin and soul. 

I feel like if it doesn't come off soon, it'll take over me and I'll become someone I'm not, someone who is scary, much scarier that what I am now.

There's a monster in me and it's dying to come out.

I can't help it, it's taking over and ...

it's breaking free