This is me |
 Short Short
Haven't written an entry in a pretty long while (the backlog is scary) but I really need to get this off my chest. So much had happened in this one semester, so much so that I see myself slowly crumbling. Maybe it's just me again. Maybe I'm over thinking as usual but somethings I always feel will never be the same after a while. I always remind myself not to live in my little bubble pretending that everything will remain the same in life but things always change and I always fall back into the same hole. Again and again, I disappoint myself. One summer ago, many things happened and one year later, I think too many things have changed. What I once thought was fine is no longer fine. People whom I once thought will be with me forever are just slowly leaving. People I never thought will be close came and left. And this is always the thing that gets me thinking. Why do people leave? Why must the people I trust the most, the people whom I depend on leave me? If there's nothing wrong with the world then it must be me right? 我就是那么讨人厌。Maybe that's why the world hates me. Maybe that's why I lose so much in this half a year. Can't help but tear up while I write this but I think it's important to get this all out. For the record, I don't cry anymore not because I've gotten used it or that I've grown out of this whole emotional wreck. It's because I no longer have any more tears. I act like I don't care, I act as if I don't notice the distance, I'm ignorant not because I don't see it, but because I see it and I don't want to hurt anymore. Yes, it worked, but after a while, it just keeps hurting me inside. Well, I guess the only good thing is that I'm the only one hurting. Read more » Labels: 2018, All hope is gone, My Life, Sad Life, Stress Slipping back into something I wish never exsisted
I'd never thought this would happen but it's coming back to haunt me again.
It's not it's my choice anyways, not as if I can choose to be emo and depressed and not as if I want to. But I can't help it, the circumstances that I am in just puts me back into the tracks of Sec 1 life.
My life had always been like that and I just can't help it. It happens over and over again, so much so that I've practically given in already.
Always 2nd, always the replacement, always invisible.
It's not that I want to rant, but sometimes, it just gets too overwhelming. Every single time I introduce my friends to each other, I always end up being the one that is left out.
I can't help but notice as I grow older, I become more and more self conscience and attention seeking. I guess it's got to do with being the only child. You live your whole life alone and you depend too much on yourself that it gets sick. I want to stop being so tough, it's tiring me out.
I know it seems like I'm a freaking spoilt child but try living a life when you have to do everything by yourself, all you know is you are alone and you better get your life straight. It's always me, myself and I, can't blame me for being so self-centred.
It's not that my family is not supportive and stuff, they are nice but the thing is there's always that deep dark secret that your parents should never know about. I guess I have a little bit too many things that should never be told to my parents. So keeping everything in and all this suffering in silence thing is driving me nuts.
I'm going back to the days where the more depressed and emo I get, the more hyper and happy I act. It's not fine when I say I'm ok. It's just not. This duo personality thing comes so naturally that it's making me think that I'm mad. Holding everything in is the worse thing to do. I help everyone, I tell people not to hold it in and just let it all out but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't trust anyone enough to tell them everything. There's just too much that can be used against me.
I've been putting up this strong front ever since ages ago and I'm not going to take it down. But deep inside I can feel that this mask is eating into my flesh, bit by bit and slowly it's growing to be part of me, growing and biting into my skin and soul.
I feel like if it doesn't come off soon, it'll take over me and I'll become someone I'm not, someone who is scary, much scarier that what I am now.
There's a monster in me and it's dying to come out.
I can't help it, it's taking over and ...
it's breaking free
Labels: 2014, All hope is gone, School Life, Stress SCHOOL'S OUT! (or so I thought)
MARCH HOLS ARE HERE!!!! After 3 weeks in a new school, it's finally the holidays. I can't help it but be really thankful that there is a break from school. There's just so much that I need to do to try to catch up with (not only work but also other stuff). I am dumb and I can't help it! I am seriously lagging behind the class by a lot. (like who the F gets such bad results for pop quizzes) This break is seriously gonna be a good time for me to really pull up my non-existent socks and really buck up on my work. *I'm gonna say this hoping that no one from my class or OG sees this. It's not like I hate them or anything, in any case, they're all really awesome and nice people, but I find a need to rant out my thoughts. Anyway, I don't think anyone will read this blog if I don't post the link. So here it goes...* And in other news: (I hope I don't offend anyone...) It's a good break from society. I need to clear my mind and get my head sorted out. I still can't tell who is genuinely my friend and who is just a freaking 2-faced Medusa (hopefully no one) After all that has happened in Sec 1, I am really becoming more paranoid to the people around me (except my buds) It's not that I'm anti-social or anything, but my senses are telling me to be more careful around some people and really stay away from others. I've been really careful with what I say and do (Trying not to turn the whole world against me is really hard okay) (No offence to the people in my class seriously.) My class is nice and all but sometimes I can't help it but feel left out. It's not that they don't involve me (though at times I think it's intentional) but being a JAE kid, it's not all that easy to TRY to blend in with the rest. I really envy some of my JAE classmates who really blend in really well. I try (or maybe it's not hard enough) At times I really wonder, why am I in such a class, I should be somewhere else, I don't belong there. They're all so smart and gifted and there is me POTATO! Tryna catch up both in academics and social life is really draining all of me. [Not that I don't like the class but, I think I should have gone to another school so that I wouldn't be struggling so much] I love the people in my class, especially my group of JAE friends, but it's really getting on my nerves that I'm an outcast (or so I thought) This holidays will really be a time for me to chiong my work and also reflect about how horrible I've been for the past 3 weeks to the people around me. I know I'm a horrible friend and an extremely terrible group mate/ partner. *sighs* Now to think about transferring out.... Signing off, Sam Labels: 14S7C, Hwa Chong, School, School Life, Stress |
