This is me  |
 15 hours
15 hours to the start of finals (essentially the second last part of Y1) and I should really be studying considering the amount of work that I have to catch up with. Yet I'm here, 'happily' typing away instead of mugging away for a paper that I'm pretty much not prepared for (screw GER, how can one be prepared for any paper to be exact)
Well, as the AY comes to a close, there's really a lot that I want to talk about, share with the world and really just to get things off my chest. As the year pass, I realized that my sanity is slowly dwindling away, and the emotional roller coaster really isn't helping. With all the stress from welfare events and academics (which if you were wondering aren't really going very well), I find myself breaking down way too many times (and of course, for the wrong reasons as well).
Really jealous of the people who don't have self-doubt and are just confident. As much as I want to and appear to some people, I'm still far from confident. *surprise*
Yes, your welfare director who went through externals, interacting with random people, cleared internals without shaking and presentations without dying is very afraid of public speaking and stepping out of my comfort zone. Not that I haven't been out there before, but every time I step out, something bad happens and I come back in feeling a little worse than before.
Major throwback to a time when I was naive enough to believe that friendships would last forever, I 'thrown' away by the people I trust. Bringing things back to more recent times, thought I found solace in a competitive dog-eat-dog world, I get left out by my closest friends. Up till today, I still live in confusion and fear that the people that I trust the most and are close with will just suddenly turn against me. (If you get what I'm referring to, good for you. If not, this is not really the best place for me to start naming names)
Everytime something like this happens, I wonder if it's just me. Maybe I'm the one who doesn't belong anywhere. Maybe it's just that all these people were just making use of me and are there only because I had something that they want. Once they're done with me, bye bye.
I know I'm not supposed to let my past decide my future, but it's really painful to see the signs building up in current relationships. Imagine watching the same thing happen again and again in your life. Dejavu! Not a really good one but still it comes back to haunt me. Of course clearing things out really helps and I'm thankful that at least some things are cleared out.
TL;DR 我重感情。I'm really afraid to lose people in my life like how I lost so many previously.
In other news, writing things out really clears my mind a lot (I think it's been too long since I blogged and all the feelings have been trapped inside)
P.S. I'm thankful for the session just now and sorry you guys had to see me in such as state.
Labels: 2017, Hope?, My Life, People skills, School Life, Uni Life |
