This is me  |
 Goodbye March
On the last day of March, I'm dedicating this relatively emotional and sentimental post to my dear friends. For those who might not know me as well, you'll probably expect me to be one of those happy go lucky person who take things really lightly and as quoted can "make friends without fears". Well, I'm not that fearless actually. I guess if you've been following this blog for long enough, or have nothing better to do and went to scroll down 200+ post to the early days (oh I cringe at those days when I literally post 3 lines for fun), you'll probably realize how badly things were going for me when I first entered secondary school. From the sadness of missing my old friends to the excitement of making new friends and eventually the pains of being betrayed by the people I trust the most. I guess you could say that all this is part and parcel of life and I guess it is with all these experiences that I've become who I am today. I remember talking to a friend one day about remembering each other when we venture out onto our own paths in the near future. We were just casually talking about how he'll probably forget me cuz (as quoted) I'm not chio and it got me thinking once more. Is friendship all about remembering a person even after a long time, or is it the constant contact and communication? Another thing that really got me thinking was when he asked why I was so negative when it comes to friendships. Like I always say, if the other party doesn't put in the effort, I won't be the one who is always initiating. So he asks, why so negative. I guess I never really gave him the answer to that question, so ya, here it is. If you've been through all the betrayal and have all these people who were your really close 'friends' making use of you and leaving you, you'll probably get how I feel. After so much pain, I've built this wall of defense around me and I swore, I'll never let anyone break me down the same way ever again. Being betrayed is not the best feeling in the world, but to me, being used is even worse. I never understood why would someone play with another person's feelings just for their own benefits. It's probably unhealthy for me to have such a mindset, but I guess it's hard to get rid of it after facing such things so many times. No matter how much I say that I don't care, no matter how much I say that it doesn't matter to me that people are coming and leaving as they wish after 'making full use' of me, I have to say that I really actually care. I will actually feel the pain. And it is all of such experiences that make me act and behave in such a way, being all negative about actually having friends who will stay in my life. Well, I really hope that these bunch of friends that I have will stay, there is one part of me who thinks that they will and really hope that we'll be there for each other's weddings and baby showers, yet there is still this small part of me who subconsciously thinks of how they will eventually just walk out of my life and all these memories would just be nothing to them in the future. I'm not that desperate as to say that I want people to always talk to me, though it'd be good that we keep talking, I just don't like the fact that I'd be forgotten after putting in so much effort into a relationship. Is it that much to ask from a person just to remember my existence and just to acknowledge me when we meet on the streets? The closer I get to a person, the more worried I get and the more pessimistic I get too. But what can I do? If the other party doesn't think that I'm worth their time, I guess it's better for them to walk out. But I still can't help but feel like all this is really wasted and how we would've become better friends in the future. 那么多如果 可能如果我 可惜没如果 只剩下结果 And we've finally come to the end of this emo reflection post. For those who read through the whole thing, thanks a lot for actually reading through this shitty post about me emoing and ya... For those who got really annoyed, I'm sorry and I really hope that all this negativity doesn't get to you. Now for this week's survey... Thanks for reading. Till next time... Samlock the Walrus signs off Labels: 2016, Friends, HWACHIE, My Life, People skills, random, Sad Life, School Life, 천사 |
