Haven't written an entry in a pretty long while (the backlog is scary) but I really need to get this off my chest. So much had happened in this one semester, so much so that I see myself slowly crumbling. Maybe it's just me again. Maybe I'm over thinking as usual but somethings I always feel will never be the same after a while. I always remind myself not to live in my little bubble pretending that everything will remain the same in life but things always change and I always fall back into the same hole. Again and again, I disappoint myself. One summer ago, many things happened and one year later, I think too many things have changed. What I once thought was fine is no longer fine. People whom I once thought will be with me forever are just slowly leaving. People I never thought will be close came and left. And this is always the thing that gets me thinking. Why do people leave? Why must the people I trust the most, the people whom I depend on leave me? If there's nothing wrong with the world then it must be me right? 我就是那么讨人厌。Maybe that's why the world hates me. Maybe that's why I lose so much in this half a year. Can't help but tear up while I write this but I think it's important to get this all out. For the record, I don't cry anymore not because I've gotten used it or that I've grown out of this whole emotional wreck. It's because I no longer have any more tears. I act like I don't care, I act as if I don't notice the distance, I'm ignorant not because I don't see it, but because I see it and I don't want to hurt anymore. Yes, it worked, but after a while, it just keeps hurting me inside. Well, I guess the only good thing is that I'm the only one hurting.

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Labels: 2018, All hope is gone, My Life, Sad Life, Stress

On the last day of March, I'm dedicating this relatively emotional and sentimental post to my dear friends.

For those who might not know me as well, you'll probably expect me to be one of those happy go lucky person who take things really lightly and as quoted can "make friends without fears". Well, I'm not that fearless actually. I guess if you've been following this blog for long enough, or have nothing better to do and went to scroll down 200+ post to the early days (oh I cringe at those days when I literally post 3 lines for fun), you'll probably realize how badly things were going for me when I first entered secondary school. From the sadness of missing my old friends to the excitement of making new friends and eventually the pains of being betrayed by the people I trust the most. I guess you could say that all this is part and parcel of life and I guess it is with all these experiences that I've become who I am today.
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Labels: 2016, Friends, HWACHIE, My Life, People skills, random, Sad Life, School Life, 천사

"Reindeers are better than people
Sven, don't you think that's true?
Yeah, people will beat you and curse you and cheat you
Every one of em's bad, except you!"

It's Easter Sunday ! JOHN 3:16 For God so love the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Amen. Thank the Lord for what He has given us and be thankful for each and everyday. Though we have sinned, God has forgiven and  we shall follow in His ways.

Life has been a little less drama these days but school work is really starting to pile up. 
Things that happened since the last update:
- Council Elections !!
- LOADS OF TESTS
- Start of CCA sessions
 and plenty more

Now first off, council campaign week wasn't really what I had expected it to be. It's not as "crazy" as it was in Crescent. I remember before president elections, the candidates would be walking around and giving out free stuff, but here, I didn't really see any of the candidates around. It's just so... normal...

Well, campaigning sure is tough for the people and I'm glad that everyone pulled through. 3 people ran for council in my class and I'm really proud and glad to say that all 3 of them got in (CONGRATZZZZZZZ!!!!) It's not easy trying to get votes and "sacrificing" your life for the entire student body. While there were people who were celebrating when results were released, there are also those who had tears in their eyes. I guess you can't blame them, they gave it all but lost out in terms of popularity. *I have to say, council elections tends to be a popularity vote sometimes. If you don't have enough friends, say bye bye to your dreams of getting into council* Well, I find that no matter what, it was a great experience for them as well. Thank goodness I made the right decision not to run for council since I don't think I'll even be able to pull through the first phase. So kudos to those who ran cause you guys did a great job as well.

Now for the cray cray school life. It's only week 5 and the tests are really piling up. Not to mention all the homework and group works. (Did I mention that PW groupings are out. I'm quite happy with my group members but scared that I'll end up being the most slack person since all of them are so on one) Now back to the tests and homework. I'd say I'm really struggling with the work-life balance thing cause work is really taking up too much of my time nowadays. Especially with all the CCAs and stuff going on in my life. Can't really understand what is being taught as well *worrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy* But on a brighter note, I can totally see why I should've gone to an Art class cuz ECONS FTW !!!! Have no idea what chemistry is all about but woohoo econs is all about da MOOLAAAAAA.

Talking bout work-life balance, CCA statred in week 3! I pretty happy with the people in Photog, especially my group of crazy people. They make every photog session extremely fun and enjoyable. I'm planning on running for photog exco but will I make it, who knows? Badminton seems fun as well. There're only 6 J1s and 4 were from Nanyang. The other JAE girl, Zi Wei is planning on quitting badminton since she got in OAC leaving me the only odd one out (I'm really happy for her though, it's really hard to get into OAC and I'm glad she made it in). I guess I just need some time to blend in ...

Now for some sentimental stuff...
There's one thing similar about me and ma bro and that's we have this switch in us. When we want to feel something, it comes to us and when we decide that it's enough we just throw it aside like nothing happened. 

Being in a co-ed school now, there is no way we can hide from the fact that someday we will end up having some feels but still can't believe that it came so soon (actually it's quite unbelievable since our standards are pretty hard to match up to ) But things never end well for me at least... 

One thing about me is that I'll never put off for second and that's one thing that kills all my feels. 
Those around me should know that I'm super attention seeking and though I look strong, I need someone to depend on. 

Some of you reading this may know who I'm talking about when I talking about this. If you do, let's keep it that way. If you don't, then so be it. 

To that person who got me thinking so damn freaking hard,
I think when you read this you'll know that I'm talking about you. All is cool now and I'm turning off that 'feels' switch and quack taping it down forever. I guess we're never meant to be and thank God I found that out before I fell too hard. It was nice to have illusions and since I know you like someone else (actually all along I knew but now it's confirmed), it's time for me to move on.  So, friends?

Moving on~
I'm SEXY FREE & SINGLE !!!
with a cleared out mind :)

Cheers, 
Sam

P.S. People do leave me a comment for fun, peace, laughter, love, joy, harmony :D

Labels: 2014, Hwa Chong, Hwachi, HWACHIE, Late post, Love life, Miss you, Sad Life, School Life, Super Junior

Hey again,
I noe that it's been a while and my life has been well, okay,
but I dun noe y but I m gettin more emo by the min.
Cuz its like no one cares.
He comes back in2 my life, ruin it.
Bring me jinx.
First was my grandma have weird growth on her neck.
Then, my grandpa have growth in his stomach
Then, my dad has breathing probs
My mum has weird stomach prob
Now my other grandpa got in2 A&E cuz someone stupid fucking idiot push him down the damn stairs at the MRT station.
That FUCKER.
Anyways, I'm goin back to being emo
Eatin super simple dinner
No rice jus vege
I noe, Im starving myself
Now i jus wan the exams to come and go
i feel like dyin
its damn irritatin
no one noes how i actually feel
i reallhy wanna talk but who is actually listenin to me?
i know, no one
i except it,
I have never been excepted into this sch not to say the class
I dunno if i can trust anyone like how i used to trust ppl
i cant make myself believe in others anymore
i noe i m not suppose to b like that but, except it,
i may seem happy and calm on the outside,
but i m not
no one knows wahts behind every smile
every laugh
sometimes, i think no one even notices me being in this world
My teacher ignores me, period
i dun care,
as long as i do well
i want to get out of tis class.
it is fucking irritating to b thr whr no one ever notices u
amongst the 4 of us, im the outcast
sha, the malays love her, cuz she's a top student
mel, nth 2 say, everyone jus luvs her for her brain
sup, at least, she has CCA
me, my cca ppl are close but i still cant make myself show the real me to them
i dun wanna seem weak
i noe i m but
i jus cant show it out
i jus need a ear
why cant anyone listen to me
they say
"SAMANTHA - the listener"
but sometimes,
the listener needs others to listen too
you say that you are stressed out,
think about what others are facing
look at me,
you tell me everything.
I nvr get to talk
tats the reason y no one understands
you guys nvr listen
let me make tis straight
i dun hate G1/CGS
i jus hate those ppl
i hate them cuz they ignore me
i hate them cuz they think i dun exist
understand?

Labels: Sad Life

What are the right reactions when you meet someone you hate?
Am I suppose to act like I am her friend just to save myself the explanation or am I suppose to tell the person?
Would it hurt the person?

Reactions are things that actually hurt the person most after words. If your words have not hurt the person enough , your reactions will .
Will you understand that life is like that , we have to learn to act infront of our enemies?
Why must we be so cruel to ourselves?

I have to put up with the acting in school and at home I still have to act as if I like school. What have I landed myself in?
I should have just gone to the school of my second choice , a mixed school so I will not be so depressed.
My class is officially vicious , the people in this class are all backstabbers , I can't trust anyone. Not even mel. I am afraid that if I tell her everything , she may just betray me and tell YT. I can't even talk to my friends in school about what is happening at home . So , my only true frens are my ex, They are the only people I can trust. So , I will just stick to telling my secrets to my ex's .

Labels: Sad Life