This is me  |
 Bag of Emotions
*UPDATE (30.09.17)*
Guess there should be some closure to this blog post. It's the last day of September *cues song ~Wake me up when September ends~* It's been a tiring month, physically, mentally and emotionally. So many changes, so many new things happening. And after 1 week of "business", I think I've finally settled down and really let down this bag of emotions.
So thanks to those who have been following this post, or even just started reading this extremely long post (I suppose this is the longest of all my posts). Look out for more posts coming up soon (have so many drafts ready to be published once I'm done with midterms.
Till then, focus on the good stuff in life, because you never know when they will come to an end. 活在当下!
- Sam
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*UPDATE (24.09.17)*
As always my emo spells finally come to an end. Maybe there really isn't a purpose in life. All I needed was some alone time, some time away and with as little interaction with the rest to realise that it's constantly being together than wears me out. So yay, one day break from the world and I'm fine now :))
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*UPDATE (19.09.17)*
Guess I should write a little update on what happened ever since I last posted, but it doesn't really fit into a new post so I shall extend this one.
So, things got better and cleared things out so yay to new beginnings? Maybe? Maybe one without the world that I'm so used to.
Sounds depressing eh, yeah, it's meant to be. Another night of emoing, another night of what people might call overthinking. Well, initially, I thought the reason why I might want to take up so many activities and eventually leave is due to the incident and the hostility. Yet, even after it's all settled, the urge to just walk out is still there. Why? Maybe it's just the trauma of the past coming back. Everytime something similar to this happens, I'm always the one who gets lost in the crowd (intentional or not). Am I too self-sacrificing? I always ask myself if I should be a little more selfish, think more about myself, but there will always be the nice part of me which just says "your job here is done. What's the point of staying and drawing attention to yourself even if all you want is the attention? Just go and find another place where you have a purpose, find another place to 'belong' for the next time period"
Well, this is probably another emo spell that hit me because of the few things that happened these few days. From changes in promises, to realising that my job is replaced.
Maybe it's just like what my teacher said, I'm nothing special, just replaceable.
"Once again, a catalyst, nothing more, everything less"
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This blog had always been the point of release for my emotions and feelings, yet it's been a really long time since I last had such a "major breakdown" that I have to take to this platform to release all the emotions that have been boiling within me. Maybe it's the rigours of school work that have been starting to pile up and stress me out, or maybe it's how I'm not properly handling all the commitments I've been getting myself into. I think it's because I've been holding in too many emotions and all these have been building up within me since the start of Summer.
If you have been following this blog closely, you'd probably realise that the last time I had such a breakdown (though I wouldn't consider this a breakdown breakdown, just that I'm being too overwhelmed with the things and situations that I've been put in. Pretty sure that there were other times when I really broke down but I was not in the state to bring it onto the blog, now to continue...) So the last time this happened, was a pretty long time ago, 1 sem maybe? But you get my point. A lot has been going on in my life and though the previous posts were really the "Happy Summer" posts, a lot of things have happened and it's honestly slowly killing me inside. So let's begin. I'm honestly hoping that I can let go of some stuff as I write this post.
Firstly, let's talk about summer. This summer, I've over committed myself. I know that summer is supposed to time for us to rest and relax, but I don't know why I made the crazy decision to fill up my schedule with either school activities or work. Essentially, I found myself with no "me" time this summer and the fatigue is real. It's been brought into the sem as well, so I feel like I'm not ready for all this drama in life.
Now for the serious stuff.
I feel like this summer, I lost someone important to me. I'm not sure how many people actually notice this but BME camp was not exactly the smoothest camp that happened this summer and I can proudly say that it wasn't the worst. But I left the camp with only 1 regret and that is, I feel like I've lost my close friend. Things have never been the same ever since the camp and it's really painful to watch what I thought was something that would last a lifetime crumble right before my eyes. And the worst thing is I really don't know what I can do to remedy this relationship. It's something I feel that shouldn't be brought online but this is really the only way I can release all the emotions that have been piling up on me because of the strained relationship. I'm pretty sure anyone can tell that things aren't the same anymore and it doesn't take a genius to know that the camp was the root cause of all this (at least that's what I think is the problem, it might be something else). Honestly, I'm someone who believes that cold wars don't work. I'd much rather trash things out and get things over and done with. What is the point of having a cold war? I'd always thought that our friendship would be able to last, but now because of this, I find myself slowly pulling away from the group as a whole. I know I shouldn't' be putting the blame on this, but I just feel like because I lost my anchor in this group, there is no point in staying and with new additions, I'm pretty sure that the group will do well even without me. Even when you have the glue, without the paper being nearby, there is no way we can make artwork. And now I just don't know how long it will take before I just decide to walk out and never come back. I know it's bad and irresponsible of me to do this but it's really just killing me inside. Every day, we pretend that things are fine when we know that it's not. It's just like back in JC when my friends started doing the exact same thing to me. Eventually, they left me. I was all alone, left there to struggle on my own. I'd much rather have the choice to walk out now than to be abandoned. I'm just hoping that things will go right soon and before I really breakdown and just leave without a sound.
*Side note, can't believe that I'm actually crying while writing this.*
This next thing I'd be touching on is a confusing fact. I'm really not sure if I can still believe in what I say to others. I keep telling the people around me that they are not alone in this and if they have any problems, the group is always behind them, that we got their back. But how sure am I that they've got my back? I may sound convincing to most people but deep down inside I can't even convince myself that there are people who got my back. Not to say that they are bad friends or that they will not help me when I need the help. It's just I have no idea how long I can stay with them and how long I can go on putting up this front that yeah, I'm sane and happy go lucky. I'm not as happy as I portray myself and as much as I try to convince you that everyone is here to support each other, I don't know how to open up and let people support me. Maybe it's the past, maybe it's the loss of the friendship that makes me doubt myself. Why do I feel like if I break down this group will go down with me? There is this unknown pressure to keep up this front to keep everyone going. Who is there to console those who are dying when I choose to die myself? There are too many things happening in everyone's lives and I don't know why I just choose to be the one for everyone, so much so that I'm now just dying inside on my own. Not that I'm putting the blame on anyone. It's just that I have no idea how to release all these emotions besides writing this blog.
And finally, as confident as I may sound tonight or at any point in time, deep inside me, I just don't want to be doing what I have to do. I keep telling everyone to be confident in themselves, to convince others that they are the one, yet I can't bring myself to believe in myself anymore. All this confidence talk is coming out sounding like I know what is going on, yet I'm dying inside. So lost and I really don't know what to do anymore. As much as I show that I know what I'm doing, I really don't. I no longer know where I'm leading myself to. What am I actually doing? I tell people to have some faith in themselves, while I'm slowly losing faith in myself. So much for being genuine. Who are we kidding, I'm just one of those hypocrites. Someone who says one thing, yet deep inside we know that I don't actually believe in what I say anymore. Yes, what I say makes perfect sense, but I can no longer bring myself to believe in these anymore. I no longer know where I'm going with all the people in my life.
Sometimes, I feel like I should find a day to really just disconnect and disappear from social life for a while. For just a day or two to find me once more. Who am I? I really don't know anymore. I laugh, I smile, yet every day I'm tearing/crying before I sleep. What has become of me? Why am I becoming the Sam of the past? Can someone tell me why am I like this again, why is the wall back, why am I hurting so much and most importantly, who am I actually?
Do you know what it feels like?
What it feels like to be lost in the sea?
Lost in the sea of people,
People who are familiar yet foreign,
Who are there but not present,
Not helping as you drown,
Drown in this ocean of emotions.
*I apologize for this extremely long and emo post*
Labels: 2017, All hope is gone, My Life, Reflection, School Life |
